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Men and Standardized Tests: or life in the man woods.

As my old readers know, I suffer(ed) from douchebag syndrome. I am happy to report that the last douchebag I dated actually cured me. Yep. Against all odds, my last douchebag made me so sick that I stumbled out of the man woods into the clearing.

The Man Woods: Beautifully enticing but too easy to get lost upon entering. Bring your moral compass.

Unfortunately, though I am frolicking in the “I need a real man” meadow, I am still near the tree line. What this means is that friends of the douchebag are compelled by my singleness and past gullibility. So they lurk. One in particular was shoved up my ass for about a week. Hm. According to this analogy then, I basically had a man stick up my ass….and not the kind Jody Neil Ruth likes to implant.

Like all douchebags, he is a narcissist (not Jody……..the dude that inspired this post). He’s probably antisocial. Definitely manipulative. And a total Luser. I decided that since I am no longer attracted to this species of man that I would just use him for a bit……you know, as like revenge against his entire rotting douchebag race. My experiment failed. You have to be a liar to be a user and no matter how hard I try, lying JUST isn’t in me.

Long story short, I could not stand Mr. I don’t have a real job but expect everyone to work around my schedule and deal with my excessive tardiness. Last night he asked if he could come over after basically standing me up five days in a row. I said yes. What can I say? I wanted free vodka. He asked at 7. 10 came around and I texted him that I was going to sleep and not to come over and to have a good night. 5 MINUTES LATER he was at my door. RUDE. I told him about himself and shut the door. Of course he turned it around and told me via text that I am a “bug out” and to lose his number.

WOW. Not only did he disregard my wishes but THEN he tried to steal the texty ending. I replied by telling him what he did wrong and that I could NEVER BE with someone like HIM. Bleck. His response? He texted today while I was at school and said “sorry about LASTNITE.” And that is when it struck me: I have been student teaching in a grade 2 classroom and being so close to the end of the year, my mentor is prepping the kids for grade 3 which is when they take their first big state standardized test. The test answers are scored on a scale of 1-4, 4 being the best answer. Often, while completing a test or assignment, a student will write a general sort of generic answer so we wield the red ink and tell them to clarify or be more specific.

I am neck deep in teacher mode so as soon as I read his text I wondered right away what he was sorry about. I replied that “sorry is just a word. What part of last night are you referring to?” He answered “all of it” 3 hours later. so here it is, ladies and gentlemen:

I am the standardized test. All men must take my test to see if they correlate with MY standards.

There are word problems, short answer, and multiple choice questions on the test. There are also reading comprehension questions and OBVIOUSLY he is failing to READ ME.

Let’s see how well he fairs with the other types of questions. Teacher prompt: “Students, you all know what a 4 answer looks like. I NEED a 4 answer.”

MULTIPLE CHOICE:

When you said you were sorry were you

A. Sorry that you ignored me and did what you wanted

B. Sorry that you got angry at me for your mistake

C. Sorry that you called me an insulting name

Answer      C    


My Response: If all answers seem correct and there is not an option to choose “all of the above” you must pick the BEST answer. The best answer here was A because it is the worst and first action to be sorry for. Answers B and C could not have happened if A had never happened. 

This answer, then is NOT a 4 answer. It is a 1 answer.

WORD PROBLEM: 

If a douchebag stands you up 5 days in a row and should have said sorry every day but only says he is sorry on the last day, how many more times should he have said sorry? 

ANSWER:      4     

This is a 2 answer because you did not show your work. I need to see your work so I know you are not just guessing. 

KIND OF LIKE HOW ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. SAYING THE WORD SORRY IS A 2 ANSWER. SHOWING YOUR APOLOGY BY NOT REPEATING THE SAME ACTION (OR BY SENDING FLOWERS OR A BOUQUET OF CIGARETTES) IS SHOWING YOUR WORK AND THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A 4 ANSWER. YOU ALSO DIDNT LABEL. I REQUIRE LABELS AND HAVE NOW LABELED YOU A DOUCHEBAG. 

SHORT ANWSER:

If you repeatedly stand a girl up and she tells you not to come over but you ignore her and come over anyway then get mad and call her names when she slams the door in your face, describe what you should do next.

   I would say sorry  about last nite                                                                                                                                         


This is NOT a 4 answer. This is a 1 answer. I took 1 point off because I need more detail. What are you sorry about and what actions would you do to show that you are sorry?

I took 1 point off because you used your inventive spelling for a word that was in our word bank.

I took another point off for no punctuation. Punctuation leads me to your punctuality problem: this is a timed test meaning I don’t have TIME to wait around for you OR for your apology and non-actions. Period.

It's not a cliche for nothin'

“You have failed this standardized test and put me in a miserable state. I am not a manipulative and should not be used as such. If you want to know your score on this test, your score is that YOU DIDN’T. You are not in the clear(ing). You will be retained to the woods.”

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